I’m still on that tightrope

“Mirrorball” is the sixth track on Taylor Swift’s eighth album, “Folklore.” I first listened to the song in June 2023. I initially connected to it thanks to its amazing production (courtesy of longtime Swift producer Jack Antonoff), but gradually got more and more pulled to its lyrics.

The feeling of being “on that tightrope” has stuck with me for the whole of my time at Duke. Freshman year was particularly rough: I got broken up with, landed in a less-than-ideal friend group situation and didn’t do much outside of my classes. It was a hard time, not unlike the hard times that many people experience in their first year of college.

At the start of my sophomore year, I made a commitment to myself — partly at my mom’s request — that I would get involved in more things on campus. In August, I decided to attend an info session for The Chronicle. I had read some of the “Duke in the NFL” blogs and wanted to give the sports department a try.

Two years later, I traveled to Evanston, Ill., to cover the Duke versus Northwestern football game — the first thing I had written about for The Chronicle. In a back-and-forth contest that went to double-overtime, the Blue Devils prevailed. As I walked to the press room and prepared to interview head coach Manny Diaz, my hands were still trembling from how thrilling that experience had been. That whole game, which saw Duke nearly lose at multiple turns, was the epitome of Swift’s lyric: “I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why.”

I wouldn’t say I experienced a game as wild as that one again during my time at The Chronicle, although the women’s basketball victory against Notre Dame comes close. However, one thing that every blog, column or gamer provided me with was an outlet. 

Whenever I wanted to put off my homework, I would write a blog or think of a column. Whenever I was bored, I would do the same. Even my trivia team this semester is almost entirely composed of Chronicle sportswriters. And when a close friendship unraveled, I immersed myself in the ACC women’s basketball tournament and looked toward my friends in the Chronicle.

The Chronicle made me feel seen in so many different ways. Every compliment I got about my ideas, every time I was shouted out in our weekly sports meetings — I always felt listened to. Nothing else I did or experienced at Duke was as unconditionally supportive as the halls of 301 Flowers. 

If you had told me the sports department of my student newspaper would have done all of that for me freshman year, I don’t think I would’ve believed it. Looking back now, I just wish I had joined it sooner.

Those are a sample of the dreams that I’ve had following Duke men’s basketball’s loss to Houston a few weeks ago. I’m far from the only fan who took that loss tough, but hopeful and absurd visions of a win really made me wonder whether being a Duke fan was actually worth it.

In September 2023, I had a similar experience with Duke football’s game against Notre Dame. The Blue Devils had it — and then it was all gone, with Sam Hartman driving a dagger through Duke’s heart with a 4th-and-16 conversion.

That was the first time I cried after a Duke sporting loss. And yes, the second time was the loss to Houston. 

Over the last few days, I’ve asked myself repeatedly, “why do I care so much?” and “is it worth the pain?” To answer the first question, there’s a lot of reasons — the shared experience of Duke students and my general enjoyment of sports, to name a few. But I can’t help but think that my time in The Chronicle was a part of it. The analytics columns I wrote about players like Cooper Flagg and Khaman Maluach grew my appreciation for this iteration of the Blue Devils, making it all the more heartbreaking for me when they lost.

This is the exact tradeoff — I cared more, so it hurt more. As I leave Duke, I know that the losses will no longer hurt that much. But, leaving Duke also comes at the cost of losing The Chronicle, the safety valve that has kept me grounded over the last three years.

I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why — especially when it comes to being on that tightrope of Duke sports fandom. But as an outlet, The Chronicle brought me out of the slumps I experienced at Duke, and made the pain of the losses worth it.

Tyler Walley is a Trinity senior and served as associate editor for the sports department in The Chronicle's 119th and 120th volumes. He would like to thank Dom Fenoglio and Rachael Kaplan for getting him into the analytics side of sportswriting; Ranjan Jindal for always being available to workshop his ideas; Andrew Long for drawing him into The Chronicle and for their wonderful conversations over lunch; Martin Heintzelman for always giving him a laugh in 301 Flowers; Caleb Dudley for keeping his brain active with trivia and Abby DiSalvo for her ability to chat about anything, from football analytics to philosophy on the L train. Last but not least, he would like to thank Sophie Levenson for their years of friendship.